God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk