If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Follow me for more life hacks.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend