Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
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so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.