Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Realize this:
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]