We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Feels
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.