Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise