Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
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Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.