Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.