ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
i now pronounce you bounced.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
this has done me in for some reason
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.