[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.