Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: