My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye