My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Isn’t
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
#CoronaOutbreak
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?