I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count