My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof