[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”