Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
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Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly