*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler