Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
crying
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The Backseat Boys
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back