I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*