Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Yep.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The funk soul brother
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
saw this in a dream
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol