*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’