I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
3% human
97% stress
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.