A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.