Kids: Stay in school.
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Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?