*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined