My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.