[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
i think both sides are to blame here