If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
The real reason evolution started..😂
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…