So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂