If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
You Might Also Like
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.