Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies