I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.