*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
adding to the discourse
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters