Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The happy life.. 😊
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I