Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
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im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
No, he would not have.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.