[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.