Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
PARKOUR
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?