guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
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“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band