the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where