My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Cheer up.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not