Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
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each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.