7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.