11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.