[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
You Might Also Like
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER