[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side