I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Stop it! 😂
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned