The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.