The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
that de-escalated quickly
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.