I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
stop
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
#ParentingFacts
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!